


A Decade's Worth

by MeredithBrody



Category: NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Anniversary, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 09:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11895258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: It's 10 years since Emily Brody died.





	A Decade's Worth

**Author's Note:**

> As has become my tradition, I’m here writing something sad for the anniversary of my friend’s death. This year is even more meaningful, as it’s 10 years. With Merri, I have a way to write that emotion out, and this is something so important for me. So don’t come into this expecting it to be happy. It’s mostly rambling and sadness and introspection. However I hope you come out of this with knowledge, and tell the people you care about that you love them. You never know when it’ll be the last chance. Good luck in the beyond Spo, still love and miss you <3.

****_Can you tell me what hurts more_   
_Is it remembering, or forgetting_   
_The past that once was ours_   
_Am I remembering, still remembering_ _  
Or forgetting_

Today had been the day Merri had dreaded, but she’d known it was coming. This was always going to be the day where she struggled to get herself out of bed. Even their birthday wasn’t as hard to get through as this day was. She purposefully had to avoid her parents, had to avoid anyone from her past life, anyone who knew Emily. It was far too painful for her to be around those people because for just one day she wanted to sit with the illusion that Emily was hers and hers alone.

That illusion never lasted very long, but Merri hoped that it would last just a little longer this time. It had been ten years since she felt that moment of utter despondency as her mother told her what had happened to Emily. She could remember everything about that conversation. The way her voice broke, the way the ship’s XO put a hand on her shoulder. The way she had a few minutes alone and then had to get back to work.

She also remembered the following port trip a day later, obsessively calling Emily’s number, just in case her mother had gotten bad information. Each time Emily’s cheery voice greeting her and encouraging her to leave her number so she could get back to her. That was a promise that was never going to be fulfilled. It was a message that still played in her mind from time to time. So many memories were good, and she didn’t focus on the bad one. But that message, for some reason it just lived in her mind.

Sitting alone in her temporary apartment while she was on loan to another police force, her current preferred type of work so she didn’t get attached to anyone, she pulled out the photo albums and the old home videos. Anything that would make her smile. Messages they’d passed back and forth in high school, her message in Merri’s senior yearbook. She couldn’t help but remember Emily as she was then, trying to wipe the other memories out of her mind.

The last thing she expected was a knock on the door. She hadn’t given anyone this address yet, other than her parents. They tended to respect her need to be alone today. She knew there was a chance her neighbours were coming to welcome her, but she hoped they weren’t. She hoped that it was someone she could shoo away quickly because she wasn’t even close to ready to deal with people right now. So she was even more surprised when Dwayne Pride was the one stood on her doorstep. “Hey, you shouldn’t be alone today.”

“How did you know where I was? I hadn’t had time to send you my new address.” She didn’t go into how amazed she was that he remembered what today was or that she always tried to be alone for it. While she’d lived in New Orleans he hadn’t allowed her to be alone, then the year before he had text and called her a few times through the day, as she’d been in another part of the country and generally not in a good way. This year… he’d resumed his ability to show up and remind her why she was proud to call him a friend.

“Your momma told me when I called her to say I was worried about you.” Well, that sounded like her mom, that was for sure. Merri knew that Olivia worried about what she’d do every year when this day came around, and the last couple of years that had only been worse. Olivia trusted Pride, and Merri was sure she wouldn’t have thought twice about giving him Merri’s addressed. “I decided to visit when she said you were in Baton Rouge. Can I come in?”

“Sure. I’m not great company.” She was upfront about it, and she knew that the video of Emily was still playing on her laptop screen behind her. She stepped out of his way and let him in, shutting the door behind him and taking his jacket when he shrugged it off. She had to close her eyes and remind herself that, in the end, she would probably be glad that he was there, that he had come to spend time with her on her darkest day.

“Emily?” He asked as he sat down on the sofa. Merri nodded and slowly went to sit next to him, clicking out and restarting the playlist she’d made of their videos. It was not something she was going to tire of seeing, and she would watch it over and over as she tried to move past that 2007 day. She hated that it was so tied in her mind to what came after it, but she needed to just remember. “Tell me about her?”

“How about I show you?” She said, playing the playlist again but pulling a photo album close. There was too much to Emily to try and show in just one video or one album. You needed all of it to understand her, and she wanted for it to be something that he could understand, and that he would know why this day was so painful to her, even though she probably didn’t need to.

“Grief is the hardest thing we ever face, and it never goes away. But she’s still here, Merri. She’s with you.” Pride reassured her, wrapping an arm around her as they sat back to look through the albums. She knew that she didn’t need to say anything more, he understood, and now he was just giving her an opportunity to talk, and that was the best thing for her to do today. Ten years may have passed, but the pain was just as sharp.

_A decade’s worth of damage done and unsaid words_   
_We both know it’s not what you deserved_   
_There was always love, it was there but never spoken of_   
_You held on, but I was not enough_ _  
It’s a shame this has taken me so long to say_


End file.
